Posted by: speakoutservices | May 4, 2011

Would You Fix the Time Line of Your Life?

If Star Trek met the real world, and a slingshot around the sun could propel you back into the time line of your life, what would you change? 

In the deep healing years of my life, I craved the chance to set things straight so the pain of incest would go away.  Oh, the things I would correct!  I would give the school psychologist a wake-up call to the real reasons why I was crying everyday in the second grade.  Children’s Services would have rushed in to swoop me and my siblings out of that mess.  I would have landed in counseling early enough to avoid the drugs, promiscuity and recklessness of teenage years.  In essence, I would have had some help for the helpless girl.

Yesterday, my journey back in time really happened. 

God gave me the chance I have dreamed of forever, but manifested in a way I could never have imagined.  I had an awe-inspiring, move-me-to-tears, opportunity to see my offender father as a young man with a fresh face, hopeful eyes, and dreams of a better future.  My teenage dad had a good heart which was badly injured.  He sat in a seat intensely listening – hanging on my every word – while I shared my story of incest.  I told him how much I was injured.  I shared the long and painful journey of working my way back to sanity.  I let him how much it hurt to be disbelieved and how much I wished I had received a sincere apology.  But most importantly, I told him to forgive himself of his mistakes and to press forward with his own healing.  He might just have a daughter someday, and he would not want her to be in this family cycle of pain.  I shook his hand and wished him good luck as he walked out of the room.  I prayed with all that was in me that my words would make a difference.

I just saved myself from a lifetime of abuse – and I needed all that I had ever experienced to reach this moment.

When I got in my car, the sun broke through the clouds of endless spring rains, a sure sign that my deceased father was really listening while I spoke to a group of juvenile sex offenders.  I had fixed the time line.  For me, it was symbolic. But for another, I hope it was very, very real.

Author’s Note:  I have a strong calling to do this important work.  If you have connections to juvenile sex offender groups, and would like a professional speaker and incest survivor who can approach them in love and “compassionate accountability”  please contact me at bonnie@speakoutservices.com   

I also have a manual for survivors and supporters, “The Power of New Shoes: Stepping Into Life After Sexual Trauma” with 37 short stories of my healing journey available for sale on my website at www.speakoutservices.com

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Responses

  1. Bonnie,

    Thank you so much for speaking up, and for having the courage to take the steps to heal yourself. I work with abused children and will follow your site for other pearls of wisdom. May God bless you.

    Debbie

    • Thank you, Debbie, for your kind words. Many blessings on your work with children. I will hope and pray they will all find peace someday.

      Best Regards,

      Bonnie

  2. I am still crying –the head banging little girl in her crib who was viciously attacked and had her nose stuck in her poop,and — was given ice cold enemas when running a fever while— my mother watched and would chime in telling me to hold still your father is a Pharmacist and giving you these for your own good! I lost many of those memories but they are very vivid now as I see how my father systematically broke my spirit–making me feel my body was disgusting even if I farted! My brothers were sodomized also and will not talk about it with me–said they probably needed it—yeah right all 3 of us scheduled on the SAME day!!!! I remember now being tortured and ALL the SADNESS it brought me throughout grade school. My therapist is very nice and always accessible and has never touched me, but he squirms and even sometimes nods off–I guess he is uncomfortable as much as me–but I LIVED the HORROR he didn’t— and I am SO SO GLAD I FOUND YOU–someone I can finally relate to!!!! I was taught little girls are to be seen and NOT heard and that I was beautiful but dumb —these words still ring LOUDLY in my head. My father enjoyed raping me for another 24 years after the infant sodomy that I dissociated from myself. I NEED HELP–I WANT PEACE of MIND–you are the closest thing to my experiences that I could find–my brothers do not want to stir up those memories-they love me but cannot deal with it!

    • I am so sorry these terrible things happened to you. I can so relate to your enema experiences, and being told I was at fault for not pooping on the proper schedule. I want to recommend another blog which has a section on enema abuse that I think you will find helpful. The blog is called Blooming Lotus, and it is very, very good. I have also recently been getting back some new memories and it is always a painful journey, and sometimes a lonely one when you try to go to other family members and they are not in a place to discuss it. For me, this is when I have to turn to other people who CAN hear it, and can relate to it. Even though therapists are good and helpful, they do not know the heart of an abuse victim like another survivor.

      You might want to check the SIA (Survivors of Incest Anonymous) website and see if you can locate a support group in your area – and if you can’t find one, you can always start one, and they will send you materials to do so. I currently belong to a group I founded in North Dayton, OH. We have about 6 members and are growing rapidly.

      I believe that we can all find peace of mind, but it is not a quick journey. There is some wisdom in the saying that time heals all wounds, but we have to walk through the pain, and it can be much slower than what we want. Just keep walking and know that you are loved and are not walking alone.


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